Volume 02 Issue 20
May 10 - 16, 2021
After I sent out my newsletter last week, I had a long talk with someone who confessed that she didn’t know how to be the first to reach out. I promised I would give her practical advice; concrete actions that she could apply to her everyday interactions. That gave me a chance to reflect: “Teka nga. I claim I am good at friendship, but what does that really mean?”
I feel like friendship has also evolved now during the pandemic, since there are much fewer activities we can do together (no movies, shopping, dinners out, etc.) that most friendships are built around. I ended up giving her a three-step plan, which she suggested I share in this week’s newsletter. These are still applicable to post-pandemic life when we can actually meet up in person again, but can be implemented right now. And no, it doesn’t include Zoom!
Never suppress a generous thought.
I often leave comments like “Love this for you” or “This is so great” or “Yay!” on friends’ social media updates. (I’m a woo girl, lol) Even if I do this at a high frequency, I’m not insincere; I mean every comment. I’ve also developed a quick-to-compliment muscle, because I know how I feel when I get compliments, and it’s nice to be able to put out those kinds of vibes whenever I want. I call it a muscle, because it’s something I work on with intention. In general, if I can find a kind or supportive thing to say, I’ll take the extra three seconds to say it.
If something makes you think of someone, tell ‘em.
This can be in the form of sending a meme, or tagging someone on an article or a social media post. Or it can be a straightforward thing like “Forwarding you this newsletter from Pinky about how to revive or sustain a friendship. It made me want to tell you that I miss you.” My guess is in a single day, other people cross our minds about the same number of times. But I take a few seconds to share the thing that made me think of them, whatever it is. If I let the thought of the other person pass, it’s a missed opportunity for connection. Most of the time, I don’t intend to start a long conversation. It’s enough for me that I was able to let that person know with a very small gesture that “You matter to me; I like having you in my life; I’m including you.” And if that person doesn’t reply, I also don’t take it personally - maybe they’re also busy or have no energy to interact. Totally understandable. Even when I start to feel like I’m the only one trying, as much as possible, I try to think charitably about the other person, and give a lot of chances before finally giving up on the friendship.
Follow up on how the thing-they-mentioned-to-you-last-time went.
I don’t think there’s anything special about how I remember details from my friends’ social media posts or out chats. I pay attention and associate certain things with certain people, and I’m sure many of you associated certain things with me. (ex: I get helluva lot of tags on Harry Potter stuff.) It’s even easier now because most of our correspondence is on chat so I can scroll back. I recently remembered my friend Liz has been job-hunting for a while, messaged her “Hey Liz! How’s the job hunt?” and then didn’t get to reply to her answer that she was touched I remembered. (Sorry, Liz!) I start at least half of my conversations with “OMG I’m so sorry I forgot to reply to this.” I keep hoping that, just as I don’t take it personally when they don’t get to reply to me, they also don’t take it personally when I don’t get to reply to them.
It’s worth acknowledging that with everything going on, there’s only so much energy to spare for this kind of effort towards sustaining or reviving a friendship. And that’s fine. We can all do this at our own pace. I have days where the only energy I have goes to getting through my work tasks. If all of this seems overwhelming, break it up into however small a chunk you can manage. Give one compliment today. Tag one person in one thing. Message one person “Hey, you crossed my mind just now. Hope you’re well.” (“How are you?” might be too loaded a question. It is for me. Should I answer broadly or granularly?) Above all, extend grace to yourself. You are doing your best. We are living through an unprecedented disaster. If you continue to punish yourself for not reaching out to your friends sooner, the only person that negative talk really hurts is you.
Everything I said above assumes that you haven’t done anything majorly wrong to screw up the friendship. If you have, then please, apologize directly for what you did; acknowledge the harm you caused the other person. Say it won’t happen again and that you’ll be a better friend (and mean it, and actually do it if given the chance). Then leave it up to them to either let you back in their life or not. If it’s a no, sorry, but at least you tried. I hope that at least can bring you peace.
It feels awkward to be articulating practices that are second nature to me. I hope this doesn’t make me sound pretentious or insincere. But this discussion helped my friend, and she thought it might be helpful to others. What do you think? Did this help you at all? If you are like my friend, knowing you want to reach out but not having a plan for how; does it seem a little less overwhelming now? It would make my day to hear what you think about this. Feeling a little vulnerable about showing so much of myself here.
Currently...
Feeling sad that BE era is ending! My first comeback! I am Dynamite ARMY so BE will forever hold a special place in my heart. A perfect album that spoke to my anxious and despairing soul. BTS saw me and my struggles and sat with me in the darkness. They brought me back into the sunlight because they were my constant source of joy and happiness every day. The idea that they took their own personal grief and confusion and poured their heart into this album, becoming more involved with the making than ever before.. That makes it personal for me, too. With the new single coming out this Friday, marking the start of a new era, I suddenly realized I need to grieve the end of this special time too.
Crying over not being able to go to Seoul. BTS’ agency HYBE just opened their museum in their brand new building. The pain I and many other ARMYs felt on the day it opened runs deeper than FOMO; it was tied together with frustration at how the pandemic is still being handled here and the desperation of “Will this ever end?”
Watching Four Weddings and A Funeral on Hulu. One of my comfort shows. I realized I last watched this in November 2019 with my best friend Denise right before she got married. Feels like another lifetime.
Eating Bebo’s butter chicken, soooooo good!
Feel free to share this newsletter, it’s open to the public. I always get excited any time people engage with me about things that I post, so please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts. Unless it’s mean or mansplainy: in that case, no thank you. <3 If this is your first time reading this, you can subscribe via the button below and then the next issues will land in your inbox.
Yours from afar,
Pinky